


Duality

by WindyQ



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Gen, I die, I love Killua, Jumps on the bandwagon of Alluka being with Bisky., No specific genre, Not beta read we die, Not super squwicky if you’re worried, Post-Canon, not like men just we die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:01:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26383036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindyQ/pseuds/WindyQ
Summary: Illumi isn't gentle. Except all those times he had been.When he was little after training. On his birthdays some years. Ever so often.
Relationships: Illumi Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 5
Kudos: 49





	Duality

“ALLUKA!” 

The name tears from his throat, his eyes opening in a flash, looking around and trying to get a sense of his surroundings. 

Pain shoots in his head, stabs his forearms and his legs feel like they are on fire. 

Fine. Nothing he can’t deal with. Until the slow realization hits his feet aren’t on the ground. At all. 

And Killua goes cold. His breathing stops, and his mind races, eyes stuck wide in fear. This sense of utter coldness, like he was being caged in... 

And yet somehow utterly protected. 

“I-Illumi...” 

He doesn’t have to look up. He does anyway, and almost instantly when a cold stoic gaze meets his shaky one wants to tear away. 

“Ah. Kil. You’re awake.” 

Killua’s mind races, and if he wasn’t being held he would have jolted away. 

Where was he?! What happened?! Was Alluka okay?! Was he back home?! Was Alluka okay?! 

Wait. Alluka was with Bisky... calm down Killua... He can’t show his much weakness in front of Illumi, it will only backfire. 

“What are you doing?” 

His voice goes low and cold, he doesn’t let his eyes show a glimmer of emotion, remember your training Killua... 

“Hmm. Well I was on my way to a job.”

Killua stiffens... the next question asked, asked slowly and meticulously, biting his lower lip painfully so. 

“So, you aren’t here to take me home?” 

“Not right now. I have an important job to do.” 

Oh great. Killua rolls his eyes, only partially surprised that his important job wasn’t bringing him back. 

One step at a time. He wouldn’t be sure he’s safe of being taken home until one thing. 

“Put me down!” He growls, teeth gritting together, eyebrows and eyelids narrowing into a cold glare, mouth pulled down into a scowl. 

He’s about to repeat himself, but all the words die in his throat when he swears he catches a glimpse of hurt, for what seems to be a millisecond in his brother’s emotionless stare. 

But that was ridiculous, right? Illumi feeling hurt over his words? Yeah, right. He wants to scoff at himself for even thinking that... but...

For some reason his chest squeezes painfully, and everything tastes sour, the lingering coppery metal of blood, his salvia... and he swallows it down harshly, refusing to break. 

Why the hell does he feel guilty? Why does he feel bad for Illumi? He shouldn’t! He shouldn’t... but... 

Killua crosses his arms in a huff, turning his head away to conceal the way his bottom lip folds over his upper in a pout, and he murmurs... 

“Nevermind...” 

And it’s so deeply under his breath, but for some reason Killua has a feeling Illumi heard, as he doesn’t just dump him on the ground right then and there. 

Not that Illumi would do that? Right? 

“When did you get so careless, Kil?” 

Killua almost gives himself whiplash with how fast he looks up, annoyance heavy on his brow. 

“I was not careless!” 

A lie. It’s a lie. After his initial panic it hadn’t taken long to piece things together. His eyes betray him. He can’t see that they do. But Illumi’s stare as if he had seen right through him; he swears there is a underlying amount of judgment deep, deep beneath that darkness, or perhaps it was concern? 

Eight guys with only mediocre Nen abilities should have posed no problem. He hates it. He hates every part of him that was agreeing with Illumi. But it was true. He should have charged his electricity before, he should’ve noticed their pathetic excuse of Zetsu way before he had. So many stupid obvious variables. 

Killua turns away, lowering his head in an attempt to bury it into his turtleneck, wrapping his arms around themselves grabbing on his sleeves, and refusing to acknowledge the rims of neatly tight bandages he can feel underneath.

Dammit! 

“Hmm. I see.” 

Killua hates it. He knows. He can just feel it. He hates how Illumi can see right through his lie. He hates that when Illumi walks Killua can feel the way he is doing so is gentle as if to not jostle him and reopen his wounds. 

Illumi isn’t gentle. Except all those times he had been.

When he was little after training. On his birthdays some years. Ever so often. 

It makes his head spin, he’s confused, and angry and annoyed. But mostly at himself. 

He was stupid. 

“This is why Mother worries about you. I won’t always be here to save you, Kil.” 

His eyes widen, and he stifles a gasp, nails ripping into his sleeves. 

He doesn’t... 

“I won’t always be here to save you, Kil.” 

“I know. I know! But you did, big brother!” 

Killua gleefully pats his brother’s shoulder, before climbing over and jumping only to be caught effortlessly by his elder brother. 

“Kil. Listen to me. Someday you will be the heir-“ 

“I knowwww...” 

The child pouts, snuggling into his brother’s arms grabbing a fistful of his shirt. 

“But why can’t you just save me forever?” 

...

“Kil...”

“Kil.” 

“What?!” 

He snaps, teeth grinding together and eyes piercing into his brother’s almost empty husk of a soul, and Killua feels bad for just a moment, as his features soften, though don’t lose their edge completely. 

What the hell is wrong with him? 

“You worry me, Kil.”

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care at all if Illumi is worried. He’s only worried because he’s the heir. That’s all. That’s it. Killua won’t go back, he refuses. 

He only saved him because the heir bleeding out in the middle of a dark alleyway wouldn’t be good for the family business. That’s it. 

That’s all. 

That’s all Killua wants to think it is. 

Everything is too familiar. Why did this stupid random forest have to look like the ones back home. 

It was a forest. All forests look pretty similar Killua. He tries to reason with himself, trying to look solely at the patchy greens and browns. Roots sticking outright from the ground from being overgrown; roots Illumi gracefully steps over with ease. 

“Did you kill them?” 

What a stupid question, of course he had. Killua doesn’t need to hear the obvious answer. It makes him feel sick. Thinking of all the bodies that must have been scattered across the ground. The pavement a shade of burgundy from the blood and the rotting corpses with needles sticking out of them. 

And it was Killua’s fault. If he had just been able to incapacitate them, Illumi wouldn’t have had to come in and kill them. 

All the color drains from his face, leaving his skin tone in a grayish color, and he shudders, hands shaking and eyes wide in fear. 

Blood was nothing to him. Death was nothing he hadn’t seen before... but the thought that those people had died because of his foolishness... 

“Kil? Do you feel unwell?” 

How can he sound so emotionless and yet concerned at the same time?! 

“I DIDN’T ASK FOR YOU TO SAVE ME!” 

His head hurts. His chest hurts. His mind is going to split, and the words fall from his lips before he can even regret them. 

His breath is ragged and his face is still a sickly shade of white, pieces of hair clinging to sweat soaked skin. 

And it’s deadly silent for a moment. So much so a cord of fear runs right down Killua’s spine. And the only noise that leaves Illumi’s mouth is a drawl of curiosity, and Killua is left unstable and unsure all over again. Why does it feel so good to yell at him, yet hurt so much at the same damm time? 

He has to get away.

“Put me down. You have a job to get to, right? Put me down.” 

Killua doesn’t care if he can barely stand on his own two legs right now, or if he stumbles, he can’t stay in this situation another second. 

And Illumi doesn’t just dump him on the ground, he once more way too oddly gentle again, as if Killua is five once more and has had a rough day of training. 

“Kil. You should come home sometime. For Mother’s sake.” 

Killua draws his claws into the bark of a tree to keep steady, a dark shadow cast over his eyes. 

“I won’t go back.” 

Illumi could so very easily take him back right now if he wanted. Killua is thanking his lucky stars he seems to care so much about this job.

Illumi seems to pause for a moment, a spiderly hand and finger drawing beneath his chin as if he’s considering something before he lets it gracefully fall in place at his side. 

“Very well.” 

Killua knows it isn’t resignation, he isn’t giving up, he’s simply letting it go for now, for some reason. 

And he goes to turn as if nothing had even happened and Killua’s breath hitches, and he freezes for a moment. 

“Wait!” 

Illumi doesn’t turn around completely simply slinking his head back some to look, long dark hair swaying with the slight breeze. 

“I... thank you for saving me, big brother.” 

Killua looks down, digging his heel into the ground destroying a weed growing beneath, not bothering, or wanting to watch his retreating brother’s form. 

Killua waits and waits, until he’s sure Illumi is gone, before he lets his knees give out, falling down rather ungraciously, letting out a sigh and putting his head between his knees. 

He’ll visit Alluka soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to add a little more description’s like Melon suggested, mostly focused on doing that with the emotions and actions first. Since that’s what I have more exp with. I’ll eventually make my way down to like scenery and stuff. I don’t know if I ended up doing better in that department than my other fics, but I was making a conscious effort with it, I may have failed, but I tried, it won’t happen overnight, but someday with practice! 
> 
> I hope this wasn’t too ooc, I tried my best! 
> 
> I know this won’t be a popular read, but I decided to post it anyway, for the few out there in the universe who might be interested? 
> 
> I just thought it’d be cool to explore their dynamic, obvi this is Killua’s perspective, I love Killua, and he’s conflicted tm, but I feel like he would have a lot of dif feelings, idk if I portrayed it well, but it was fun to try! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> As per usual feel free to chat with me on discord or rp with my Killua, WindyQ#6831, or if Tumblr’s your style here’s that! https://www.tumblr.com/blog/windyqs
> 
> I feel like I went to heavy on the paragraphs but then I looked at my other stuff and went big rip. I also feel this isn’t that good? But I really enjoyed writing it, and I did put a lot of effort in. Practice makes perfect as they say. Even the worse things I feel help improve skills. Also none of my fics have been longer than 1,500, but I also have the attention span of a flea.


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